Day 1 Results

I looked on the Internet for Jesus today and I found Him.  For starters, I Googled 'what is grace' and a lot of sites popped up.  I pretty much kept my search to the first couple of pages of results.  I narrowed the search further by eliminating any sites that were legalistic. Sites that told me what to do, or that told me that certain denominations had the 'right' answer and that if I didn't follow the rules I was wrong.  I did this because my tendency is to view the Bible as a To Do list rather than a love letter.  At this point in time more To Do's will drive me further away from Jesus and I'm already farther away from him than I would like.  I'm not looking for the 'right religion', I'm looking for Jesus.   Deep down, I hope that this Advent Retreat is the result of Jesus' work in my life, that HE is the one directing my search, calling me back to him.  This is a time apart, a time for Jesus and me to reconnect, a time for finding my way back home.  One blog really spoke to me and I am going to trust that He will lead me to the things that I most need to hear at this particular point in time. One of the things I read today said something to the effect that "grace was God's working in my life despite my resistance and my faults."

I think the words that really jumped out at me were "my resistance."  Of all the things I read today this particular passage felt like the place to start.  All day I have been pondering the concept of God continuing to work in my life despite my resistance.  I had difficulty defining what "my resistance" is.  I concluded that my resistance is really a deep seated belief that Jesus is a cosmic policeman, a sort of bad Santa who keeps a list of who's been naughty and who's been naughtier.  In other words, my resistance boils down to a basic distrust of God's grace...my feeling that I will live a life failing to please God and in the end I will be condemned.   I have wrestled with this concept in the past.  Its not something that Christians want to admit to - we who have a relationship with Jesus aren't supposed to feel this way.    It tends to make us feel like 'bad Christians, worse we believe we are bad Christians.'  The strange thing is right now - I don't feel like a bad Christian.  I feel perfectly safe bringing up this topic - distrust.  In fact I feel relief - this fear is out there on the table between Jesus and me and I don't hear Him condemning me for my lack of trust.  Instead I hear him saying - 'This is good, I led you to that particular blog because it gives us a starting point on the road to discovering the truth.'  I hear him saying that He is working in  me even when I don't realize it, even when I am working against it.  He's still here.  I feel hopeful. I feel good.

Today I found Jesus in an internet blog, and through my conversations with Him I felt no condemnation.  He held out his hand and I grabbed hold and took a step closer to him.